I had nightmares last night. I was running from something with Ed, and he ran into a tree and something punctured his eye. I went back to help him, and his hands were over his eyes, and there was blood and jelly oozing out, and it was just so so AWFUL...There was this rising feeling of horror and panic, and it was all so real. I woke up terrified, and it's stayed with me all day, this image of him laying on his back, bleeding, the remnants of his eye oozing between his fingers.
I feel like I have some disease. There's something terrible and alien lurking in my mind, producing these horrible images. I'm afraid sometimes to fall asleep, afraid of what I'll find there.
I had a dream once where my brother shot my mother, and then shot me. I've been afraid of him ever since. It was all so real, the terror and the horror, the hatred. I'll never be able to forget it, and it never happened. That scares me too. Something that never happened has irrevocably changed my life because I saw it in a dream.
I'm still not sure who I am. I think the true reason for living is to discover who you are. I don't think I'll find out until the day I die. I cry for my babies that died before I knew them. I cry about them all the time, and their absence eats away at my heart. But I'm not sure if I really want to be a mother. So I'm not sure what that means, really. They broke my heart. They took all my dreams with them when they died, I know that with a fierce surety.
Which brings me to the topic of things I know to be real, things I know for sure. I know my babies broke my heart in a way that will never be fixed. I know that I have loved many people, some of them at the same time, and nothing changes the fact that I loved them truly. I know that I am built to love, but sometimes I forget it. I know that death is one step away, at all times. I told my friend once that I should have died when I was 10. It's true; I would have died if not for a random decision my mother made at the last moment. I would have stayed, and died, if it wasn't for her. Anything that has happened after that is extra time. I'm flying under the radar for the rest of my life. And that gives me a freedom that other people lack, other people who haven't watched death miss them by inches. I have the ability to save people, and to kill myself, at any time. I saved my friend's life, and maybe she should have died as well. I think so, she wanted to. But I saved her anyway; I looked at death and refused him.
I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be. It's amazing, and I adore every tortuous moment of it. I look forward to every time I can be with him, be near him, speak to him. I look for him everywhere, and his presence makes me ache. I miss him terribly all the time. I love this feeling. And it makes me a bad person.
